Depression Pt 3

So I was thinking about depression and how it affects me and all of the little things that has changed since I started out on my journey to better myself. I actually recognized my past trauma and began to sort through it. In all of this I forgot a very simple thing : it is okay to feel sad.

I did not realize that this was a thing that I felt that was not okay but over time I started to really bash myself about how I felt, what thoughts were going through my head that caused my bad feelings. That's one thing that my counselor is telling me a lot about is that my feelings are feelings. My thoughts are thoughts and they're separate and most of the time we are ruled by our thoughts not our feelings.

We usually have the thought before the feeling so keeping that in mind I want to say to anyone who is with me in this weird journey to keep your thoughts at Bay. They are fine as far as recognizing them, understanding what they mean, and not taking them as your feelings. They are not a reflection of who you are.

They are thoughts and sometimes those come at a subconscious level or maybe always depending on your thought process when it comes to that but essentially : okay. It is not a thing that you have to feel crappy about. You just have these thoughts and you can sort through them at your leisure you don't even have to sort through them at the moment that you have the thought. You get to think it through or dismiss it with, "okay this does not have anything to do with where I'm at right now, what I'm doing," and circle around to it later if that is your choice. It doesn't have to be some grand thing that you need to face head on. You can realize that it was just a thought.

It was not something that happened, it is not something that's going to actually control your outer experience unless you allow it to and isn't that so powerful?

So stay powerful my friends! Be out there grasping your power because you have it. You have control. You have the power to change, to grow, to do better every single day no matter what your last moment was even if it was just this second. The last second of your life you just did and felt this thing that was bad.

Well guess what? You have This second Right Now to change. Right now right now right Now. Every time that the clock ticks you have a moment to change. You have a moment to grow, you have a moment to feel better, inspired, to inspire. Isn't it usually when we are inspiring, we're loving, or giving to someone else do we feel seeds within ourselves?

So stay aware and love yourself because there is only one you and I promise you someone out there in your life who speaks to you will miss you when you are gone. You are a valid person. You are special and there is no one and nothing that can take that from you but yourself so don't take away your wealth don't take away your worth. Grow it because that is what we are made to do.

I found it really hard to think that anyone could ever care about me outside of themselves. I care about a lot of people but I don't know. You would think it's easy to love yourself and think of someone thinking of you because you think about other people but it seems like that's the furthest away from the truth. I feel like I'm always the last person on anyone's mind and not because of someone's actions, what they've done, how I feel, or anything like that.

It just feels completely like I have no worth sometimes because of my depression and it will hit me at any day of the week, any moment. It doesn't matter if I am happy as a clam one moment later I can be feeling so dark, so destitute because I have allowed myself to think these thoughts that have no actual beneficial value to me but because they have been a habit for so long it is hard to crack it.

They say you form a habit in 30 days and I hope that that is true because if I have to take back all the years that I have spent doubting myself, being down on myself and equal that out in the universe?

Damn.

That is a long time. I do not have that time and even if I do I don't want to spend it making a habit but at the same time what else am I doing? What other important works? Maybe it's just because of the fact that it feels overwhelming. It is overwhelming for anyone to think about the fact that they have to wake up and pay attention to their mental health. Is it worth it to just continue to try to be better just because of the journey that you will take?

The answer is yes.